Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Me and My Craziness

Hello everyone! It is a slow Wednesday. Things have been really rough for me lately mentally. My bipolar seems to be in full swing, and making me crazy. I have been in a mania for weeks now, and it is really taking it's toll. I am tired, cranky, and incredibly moody. I hate feeling like this. When my friend Jenn calls on the phone I can't even bring myself to hold a normal conversation. I just sort of mumble until she gets mad enough to hang up. I feel bad when things like that happen, but I just can't stop! I hate being so weak minded that I cannot even make myself have a conversation with my best friend of 22 years. I got some Seroquil, so at least I am sleeping better. But they seroquil certainly isn't helping my moods. When I take it during the day it just makes me so that I don't obsess about my moodiness.

I just realized while writing that last paragraph, that I have not talked about my mental issues much in this blog. Certainly not in detail, only briefly in passing. I think I should write about it more. When I was young, writing always made me feel better. And that is really one of my purposes for this blog. So here goes.

When I was younger, I think about 21, I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD, as well as a few other things such as depression and PTSD. At first I thought it was an odd diagnosis. I did have some compulsions, but certainly nothing like what you see on movies like What About Bob. (On a side note, that is one of my all time favorite movies.) So I decided to do a little bit of looking into the disease. I ordered a book, which I now highly recommend to anyone effected by OCD. The book is called Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals: The Hidden Epidemic of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Yes I know, quite a long title. But what a wonderful book! It made me realize that this intrusive, horrible thoughts I had been having were not because I was a horrid, disgusting person. They were caused by OCD. Just realizing that had such an amazing effect on me. I guess I had never really thought much about the "Obsession" part of OCD. Movies, jokes, etc. have always dealt with the "Compulsion" part for the most part. I can't say enough about how much this book did for the way I viewed myself.

A few years later, I was told by a Psychiatrist that I was not depressed, that I in fact had Bipolar Disorder. I have to admit when I first heard that, I was very skeptical. I then told my mom of the diagnosis. My mother is an RN, and has worked on a psyche word for over a decade. Her intitial reaction was to disagree, but within seconds she was agreeing with the diagnosis. It was interesting to watch her reaction, because it sort of looked like things made sense to her all of a sudden. My lifetime of starting enormous projects and never finishing, my weird relationships with men, my spending habits, and so much more. So, I decided to look into Bipolar Disorder. Once again, much the same way as it did when I read about OCD, things started to make sense. My bipolar diagnosis has recently been further confirmed, as well as narrowed down to Bipolar I.

As I have gotten older, my symptoms have actually worsened. I am to the point now where it is difficult for me to even leave the house. I can leave, although it is usually only with my fiance. I guess I look at him as my safety person. Driving used to be a huge part of my life. I loved to drive, it gave me such a sense of freedom. Now the thought of driving terrifies me. I cannot stand being in crowds, it makes me physically sick, and sometimes makes me feel as if I will pass out. I have a lot of panic attacks. Things might be a little bit different if I could afford all of the meds I need, and also if I could afford to get the therapy I need. I'm not sure really.

Anyway, I wanted to take this opportunity to discuss my diagnoses. They are a huge part of my personality, and they effect me and the people in my life a lot. I used to use writing to express myself more, and it helped me feel better. I also used to use the internet to reach out to get help for things like this. I guess I am taking this opportunity to do both things. Thank you for listening.